February 2008 Newsletter

Power of Words - - Chris Snook From Wealth Matters - - "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!"

We all heard that saying when we were children, and, like so many other childlike chants, it was a great myth. Words do have power, immense power, and they can cause much pain, because when they are repeated in negative fashion, people, especially children, may end up believing them. "You're a bad boy," "You'll never amount to anything." "You're a loser," "Does your face hurt? It's killing me." These are only slight examples of the negative language we often hear. We have all heard them, and unfortunately have been guilty of dishing them out as well.

During the 1980's there was a big push for building self-esteem, and workshops were available everywhere teaching us how to make people 'feel good about themselves.' This 180-degree turn seemed valid in theory, but what happened in many cases was positive feedback became the new mantra, and yet the effect didn't always achieve the desired results. Why? Because recipients only benefited from the praise if they believed it was genuine. This brings us to an important point. Self-talk and self-belief are the keys. No one can ruin our day without our permission, and always feeling good about ourselves is impossible. I hold this to be true - that self-esteem and self-worth are not synonymous. Self-esteem is having pride in oneself and generally feeling good about who we are. I don't know about you, but I certainly have had moments in my life when I wasn't too proud of my actions, and without question I have had times when I didn't feel good about me. This moment of "lack of self-esteem" would indicate that something is terribly wrong. Contrary to the education of self-esteem, nothing is wrong - we are simply human. Self-worth, on the other hand, is acceptance of who we are - all of our strengths and weaknesses, all of our abilities (or lack thereof), all of our joyful moments as well as those times of sorrow; our contributions and our refusals, etc. See a pattern? We are worthy simply because we are His creation, and we are loved for every part of us. Whether we are in a good place or a bad one, whether we are contributing or contaminating, whether we have done something to be proud of or something to be embarrassed or ashamed of, nothing diminishes our worthiness. The negative actions and the ensuing consequences may affect our self-esteem, but it has no impact on our self-worth!

Congratulations to the people who earned promotions since our last newsletter.

•  Junior Yellow Belt - Brandi Mulligan

•  Senior Yellow Belt - Tom Yannuzzi

•  Junior Orange Belt - Katherine Waldman, Josh Suiter

•  Junior Purple Belt #1 – Austin Pidoto, Justin Pidoto

•  Junior Purple Belt #2 – Tiffany Dill

•  Senior Green Belt - Lee Gugler

During a promotion the black belts say frequently, - - the promotion is earned before it is awarded and the student’s diligent practice and demonstration of ability must advance consistently before the student does, thus there must be importance in the meaning.

Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You

We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger. Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and non-adrenaline. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry with a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or worrying or brooding about your personal problems could cause your anger. The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt." The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others? According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. What makes these people this way? One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be more social in nature. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation - Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try and then practice daily are:

•  Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

•  Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

•  Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

•  Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Cognitive Restructuring - Means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to swear or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. Thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.

Problem Solving - Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication - Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

IN BOTH SEGMENTS OF THIS NEWSLETTER – THE POWER OF WORDS AND CONTROLLING ANGER – WHAT WE DO AND SAY HAS A GREAT EFFECT ON NO ONLY OUR LIFE BUT THE LIVES OF EVERY PERSON WITH WHOM WE COTACT. WE EFFECT EVERY PERSON WE MEET EITHER POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY - - SO, REMEMBER TO THINK BEFORE SPEAKING OR DOING ANYTHING.

REMEMBER – The Golden Rule Karate Tournament at Warren Hills High School - - February 17th. Plan to attend – it is a good tournament that is close to home. * * * NOTICE DATE CHANGE * * *

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